Battle inside my Head

Previous day was not good, after to taking a drug for sleep cause I sleep not good these times, I wake up the next morning, here a desire to have a best day with peoples understand me a little more, I hope that it is could be a best day, more calm, more easy, more simple. I’m tired of my bad sleeping night, I’m again tired when I’m wake up. But I’m wake up, I go to take my breakfast, it’s 9am when I finished him, I go in the living room where there is my mom, sit on the sofa, I waiting if she will start to talk me for told me she has understand she should not have to do that but NO, she does not talk me. I do few cuddles to my cat and I go get ready for the day.

It’s just 9h30 am, I went go on my bed for read an little, few minutes later my mom goes up at the floor, she did few passages in the hall between bathroom, my parent’s room and guest room, a passing she stopped in front of my room where I was reading on my bed. She asks me “Do you have change your spirit since yesterday?” I answer No, it’s not to me to change my spirit, I give you arguments why I cannot to do that, my situation does not change since yesterday so my spirit cannot to have change since yesterday. Here I start to fall apart in my head but stay calm face to the situation, I’m calm and try to answers correctly.

She return in the bathroom, I stay calm, continue to reading, few minutes later she reappears ahead my room’s door and told me “I do often some efforts for you but you didn’t see never, yesterday I did again a big effort for not cry on you” WHAT!!! What!!! I answer, what efforts do you did these last times? what effort do you have did yesterday? She answers “yesterday you did not have eat lunch with us outside!” I answer, what? yes! I did not eat outside with you for lunch but me I cannot eat outside I have cold now in contrary of you, you are funny cause this summer when the weather was hot you did not wanted eat outside because you founded that I was a too big job take the plates and eat outside, me I eat outside this summer! but you not and now we were in october it’s 18°C outside and you want eat outside, sorry but me I loved and enjoyed eat outside when it was hot outside, now I did not want anymore, I did not feel good anymore if I eat outside and IT’S COLD for me!

She answers, I did not want anymore to talk you and she get down.

Me, I stay on my bed continue to reading, few seconds later, I start to cry “the battle start inside my head”, the battle between borderline and anorexia, I think at all thoughts which pass in my head, sorry mother! it’s me who to do never progress, it’s rather you who did not understand, you prefer guard my 30 years sister rather that told her a little thing who could create a dispute between you and her BUT ME, ME! it’s never a problem you search all to create disputes with me, with her you have fears of her reaction but that you have the problems same her problems it’s on me that you cry, it’s a nightmare!

 

Ok, I let the battle inside my head, I went to do a Lego creator during about 1 h, it was a best time. It’s time for lunch, I’m calmed, my mom not really I have the impression, she didn’t talks me. I ask her a question, she answers me with anger and that to all little questions that I ask in the afternoon, I let fall apart, I do not want anymore talk to her, “battle inside my head get down, please” but I want, really cry, I feel like I felt since always my mother love more my sister and wants take care more physically or psychologically of her than me. I’m really sad.

 

I let the “battle inside my head” and I did little lovely things alone, it’s my best time.

xoxo

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